Tuesday, 10 November 2009
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Interesting Recovery from "trouble"
So one of the girl’s I work with has a twin. I checked out some of their pics and I decided that I could tell them apart. I was chatting with her and I said “I can tell you guys apart, your personalities shape your faces, etc”.
Right then and there I realized the folly in my statement and the opening I created. I knew the next question before it came out, and immediately started preparing my reply. LOL. “So what kind of personality do you think my sister has”. Of course not knowing the sister or ever having met her, this type of question is the equivalent to a woman asking you “how much do I weigh”.
This is where the recovery comes in “oh I don’t know what kind of personality she has, I however do know your mannerisms and your facial tendencies, so by knowing you, I can tell which one is her, process of elimination”. Now this may not sound like a big deal, but you had to be there to experience the sheer beauty and art in this magnificent time sensitive recovery.
We are talking seconds to come up with this scenario. Another less mentally prepared person would of said “uh, she looks nice”, which would then imply the other looks mean, etc. It’s a potential foot up the @ss scenario. LOL.. I’m good.. Hahahaha….
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Thursday, 05 November 2009
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Another morning
This morning, as has been the case lately in my life, I have woken up feeling like I ran a marathon. My legs ache, my back aches, I feel slow and sluggish, I'm sleepy, I feel dry, my clothes fit me tight and awful, I simply feel like sh*t! I don't know why exactly this is. I'm assuming its due to my current weight (re)gain, that my body is unhappy. Also I had run out of my multivitamins. So yesterday I went and picked up my multis at whole foods, in addition I also picked up some vitamins to specifically address stress and exhaustion. I got some oatmeal for breakfast. I really need to get myself back in the gym and into training. I feel like I'm breaking down, and I need to build up my body. These past few days have been pretty rough mentally, and though training leaves you feeling drained, this emotional drainage is far worst. I believe getting myself in shape will counter these negative effects of stress. Yesterday I got a call from my mom, she asked me to give my sister a call and make sure that she and my nephews were ok. Now my stance has always been that I am not a middle man, I feel that if you have something to say or ask then do it yourself. Don't make me the puppet middle guy. However recognizing the positive effect that my mom knowing they are safe would have, I took the new number that she somehow acquired and I called it. It rang a few times with no answer, I initially thought I was being screened and I felt my blood boil. Then after a few moments my sister picked up. I had forgotten that these guys are early birds and are ready for bed when some days I am leaving work! I spoke with my sister for awhile, and it appears that they are ok. This eased me a little as well. More importantly, I have mediated some communication between them, and I have informed both of them of the others will to speak. They probably need another couple of days, but they both acknowledge that they love each other and that they will talk. As always, I am the peacemaker. I guess that is the cross one bares as the elder son, the "calm rational one". I am the buddah of my family. Heheh. I've been struggling myself, but now is not the time for me to feel, my time is later. Stack it up Angel, bury it. You know just like you've always done. Absorb the shots for your loved ones, help out. Heal later Angel, heal later. Now is the time to bury. I am a gravedigger. My mind is all over the place, I've been having thoughts that are not good, but its just that, thoughts. When I find myself thinking of these easy ways out, ways to escape it all, I always remember that there are even younger ones, weaker ones, more vulnerable ones that depend on my strength. This give me the courage and will to push forward and not quit. So I bury it, I stack it up, gravedigger, all the while recognizing that one day, in one way or another, all this weight I carry will kill me off.
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Angel Rodriguez
www.arod.org
aim: arodomus
Wednesday, 04 November 2009
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Train Ride Thoughts
Felt like sitting today, so as soon as a seat became available I took it. Yes there are women around, but they look young and healthy. They can stand awhile, I am tired. I don't feel like I really slept much last night. I woke up often and I feel exhausted. I'm worried about my family. My mom is pretty upset and due to her health its not very good for her. I'm quite concerned about the cramp that shot down her arm, I really don't want my mom to end up invalid, as if she doesn't have enough to deal with now? I think the best thing she can do now is to eat right, exercise, and try to distract herself. My little sister as the youngest and the one that still depends on mom for sustenance is also under a lot of pressure. She reaches out to me and I try to talk to her and offer advice, but in this situation there really isn't much one can do. I tell her that she needs to simply let my mom get it out, bare with it for awhile. The only thing that heals a broken heart is time. My mom simply needs to cry and do whatever she needs to do and it will pass. I'm sure in time my closest blood relatives will make amends. (Mom and middle sister). The sad part is that when I was her age, I had my own series of drama at home. As a matter of fact, a major part of the drama involved her dad, and during most of this drama as I recall from the flashes in my head my mom was actually pregnant with the very same little sister who today is reaching out to me for advice on how to handle problems at home. Its really hard for me to guide her, because I developed my own way to deal with my mom's issues. Growing up during those difficult times made me hard as ice, seeing these things hurt so much that I became able to completely detach myself, to completely cut off my heart and feel nothing. I became a spectator driving this body, but nothing more. To this day I am still driving. (Read previous posts on feeling.) I don't want my little sister to become like me, I'm a mess, and though you may not know it or see it, I am emotionally f*cked up. I bury it deep down inside. How else can I support and protect my loved ones who need it, if I myself cannot control my own emotions? So I admit, I am stuck here. I don't know how to help my sister without making her into a jaded emotionally f*cked up icicle. All my books, all my knowledge from books, all my own personal experience are useless here. Sadly its human nature to block things that hurt, so in time she may become as me, without me even showing her. Its human nature. How do you tell someone to watch a loved one suffer and just let it pass? Especially a young girl? These things are not good for her, they will scar her and she will carry them, she will carry these memories as I do. Is she as strong as I am? How will she cope? I wrote my middle sister, she claims that they are ok, and she "hopes mom remains well". As angry as I've gotten at people in my life, and I have cut off many people, I can't cut off my own family. My mother, my sister, my father, all of them at some point or another have done things that under normal circumstances would cause me to cut them off. I'd simply never deal with them. But that's not really an option with family is it? So I don't understand how my mother and my sister are so blinded by their pride, ego and anger to cut each other off during times when they probably need each other most. I don't understand. I really needed to be there. My mom has said that my sister's husband said some hurtful things and insults to her, and that my sister simply sided with the guy and did nothing to prevent him attacking her. Now let me say, I like her husband, he's a cool guy, we hang out, we can chill, etc. I don't agree or approve with some things he does, I don't share his views on parenting, I don't like some of the things he should but does not do, but I never have disliked him.
Now that being said, if he disrespected my mom, and I saw this, then this would probably not be a good thing. Perhaps my sister and I would be estranged as well? Because though I doubt I'd get into a fist fight, I certainly would not remain inactive, hell I may go into a rage? Who knows? Furthermore if my sister allowed this, then she too would have a problem with me. Mom is mom, no matter what. No one can go and disrespect my mother in my presence, because that would piss me off, and I might have to hurt you. I didn't see exactly what went down, so I choose to suppress judgement, I will not react. But all this has me tense and stressed out. I am considering taking a couple of days and going away, I still have 1 week of vacation to take before the year is out. I don't know. ------------------------
Angel Rodriguez
www.arod.org
aim: arodomus
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